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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you