holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.