Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.