Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
quarantine day 3
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.