Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.