Holy crap this is wonderful
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I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Now this is how you LinkedIn
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza