“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
This is true.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
can’t believe I got front row seats