“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree