Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I unironically love this joke.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No