@robyn_vo

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

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@massive_images

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

@ceejoyner

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

@DadandBuried

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

@TheREALMessyMom

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

@Cyd10e

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

@BlackCatBettie

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.