Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”


Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?


So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.


My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.


I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.


I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.


“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”


Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me


Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet


I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.