@massive_images Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
@robyn_vo Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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@massive_images 
@Rollmaninoz Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
@ceejoyner So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
@DadandBuried My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
@JimmerThatisAll I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
@TheREALMessyMom I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
@Cyd10e “Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
@krishna_van Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
@SteveDutzy Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
@BlackCatBettie I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.