Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!