Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.