Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
This was the best day of my life
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”