Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
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trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
True freaking story!
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.