Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes