Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
umm…
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
haha same
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want