Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
my favorite genre of twitter
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!