@MythicPicnic

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

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@Sam_Posts

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

@mattgallo123

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

@C00LpenNAME

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

@demented_Ash

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

@Cryptoterra

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

@upsidedowntrash

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

@DurtMcHurtt

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

@maebemarbles

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

@IfIwassomething

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.