Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My neck my back my allergy attack
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I need to update my racial profile.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”