Mom is closed.
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”
Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?