@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

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@SheMightHave

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

@Lerky

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

@tchrquotes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

@TheCatWhisprer

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

@0point5twins

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

@IAmYardDad

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform