home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
when you are just born a rebel
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Nice try, poison.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
That’s it.I’m out.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger