[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
War & Peace
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.