Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Great game to play with friends
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!