(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious