[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
😂 amazing answer
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
This January has 47 Mondays
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
called in thicc to work this morning
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!