[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
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my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”