[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.