[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
You Might Also Like
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
me doing my best
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Worst bar ever.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in