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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Breaking news:
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
When your man makes a valid point
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.