@jakelikesnaps [gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
@Cornjerker78 Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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@jakelikesnaps 
@TeaPainUSA Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
@10InchesPlus Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
@407Creative I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
@StainsQueen My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
@lawyerthoughts court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
@Chhapiness The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
@Dad_At_Law Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
@girlnarly [mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
@Book_Krazy Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER