Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

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[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]


Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.


Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.


court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.


The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink


Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.



me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please


Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick