[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER