Home is where your toilet is.
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beware of dog
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”