[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
The Struggle
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.