Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
incredible
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.