Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
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I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie