Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*