#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick