Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.