Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping