@brunopieroni

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

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@IDontSpeakWhine

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

@__apf__

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

@HavocMantis

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

@zachary_lampley

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@OlanDevine

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

@LoveYoorFate

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

@NickSchug

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

@ClassADude

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

@nursemella

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat