@brunopieroni
@dianamail17 Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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@dianamail17 
@IDontSpeakWhine I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
@__apf__ accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
@HavocMantis Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
@zachary_lampley Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
@OlanDevine “Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
@LoveYoorFate When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
@NickSchug Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
@ClassADude 2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
@nursemella I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat