Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
You Might Also Like
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Always a metermaid never a meter
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.