Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.


accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in


Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.


Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.


“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.


When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.


Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.



Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?


I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat