Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Did my cat write this
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”