Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu