Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.