honestly, i need both:
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Sign at work today
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.