@ch000ch

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

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@mentalpause1

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

@ramblinma

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

@david8hughes

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@Shariv67

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

@HenpeckedHal

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

@truegritrumble

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

@Fickle_Filly

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.