honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

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*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?


Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.


Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat


Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.


Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.


Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.


me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it


KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.


People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.