honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
hmm conte-me mais
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0