Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.