Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
You Might Also Like
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Sex so good you see dead people.
Not helping
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
he chose this
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.