Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer