@Rich_McCarthy

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

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@MrBob_52

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

@Reverend_Scott

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

@jlock17

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

@MoneypennyNaked

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

@Home_Halfway

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

@bornmiserable

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

@bazlyons

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.