honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again