Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.